- Seminars and Lectures abroad / ٠21 Syria
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Preface:
Ladies, Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatoo Allah Wa Barakato, Good evening.
In our second educational course, we are glad to welcome one of the most notable scholars of Damascus city.
He is a remarkable teacher and a first class lecturer
All listeners’ , are familiar with his valuable lectures and religious sessions, in which he tackled excellently the exalted conducts such as sincerity, honesty, faith, trustworthiness, and uprightness in series of lessons like Madarej Al Salikeen (paths of Allah’s seekers), The glorified attributes of Allah, and the prophetic traits, not to mention his splendid books, in addition to a very valuable library of audio and video recordings.
We all know him and he is in no need for our tribute, he is the honorable “Dr. Mohammad Rateb Al Nabulsi”.
In his lecture today he will tackle the domestic structure of the family which makes one of the series of lectures about domestic conflicts.
Without any further delay let us all welcome Dr. Mohammad Rateb Al Nabulsi
Only the inclusive success is what really counts:
Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatoo Allah Wa Barakato, in the name of Allah The Most Gracious The Most Merciful. Praise be to Allah, The Lord (The One and Only) of the worlds. Blessings and peace be upon our master, Prophet Muhammad, upon his Family and his Companions, the trustees of his missionary and leaders of his army, O, Allah be pleased with us and them O Lord of worlds.
Dear brother, first of all, let me thank those who are in charge of this organization for their generous invitation, which shows the good opinion they have about me, and I ask Allah that I live up to your expectation , so if you find what you have expected in my lecture then praise be to Allah Lord of worlds, and if you find the otherwise, then Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for you, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs.
Dear brother, firstly, I don’t believe or accept that someone is partially successful in his life, like being successful in his business but not in his family. Hence, I believe without doubt that unless the success is inclusive, then we can’t call it success.
The main stations in the process of success:
1- Your relation with your Lord:
What are the four main stations in success? In man’s life there are thousands of stations (which take him from one level to another), however, there are four main stations, and any imperfection in any of them will reflect on the other three.
As I see it, the first station is your relation with Allah:
((O, son of Adam, seek me you find me, and when you find me you find everything and when you lose me you lose everything and I should be adored by you more than everything))
You should know Allah, and knowing Him establishes the ground of this religion (Islam). Be aware of the following rule: If you know the law-giver before knowing the law, you will be submissive in applying the law, however, if you know the law before knowing the law-giver, then you will masterly break away from applying the law and this is the reality of the Islamic world which doesn’t lack any guidance to goodness, yet there is deficit in knowing the law-giver. For that very reason, people search for awkward and weak-based fatwas, or they look for a general calamity in order to break away from applying the method of Allah.
You will not reap the fruits of religion unless you follow the right path:
I have one word to our merchant brother : Trading activities are countless, and they vary from buying offices to buying warehouses, hiring employees, traveling to China, obtaining exclusive dealership, merchants’ marketing, paying their prices, and sharing profits, and all of which are activities that can be summarized in one word only, that is: “profit”, and unless you make profits, you will not be a successful merchant. Along the same line, religion has countless activities such as writing books, lecturing, attending conferences, or offering night prayers all night long, and all of which can be summarized in one word, that is: Unless you are upright following Allah’s path, you will not reap the fruits of this religion, and in case of the otherwise, the religion will turn into traditions, customs, Islamic background, Islamic ground, Islamic interests, or Islamic architectural arcs, however, Islam is something else.
Muslims’ reality nowadays is that they neglected Allah’s method, thus they were neglected by Allah as a result.
When our Master Khaled demanded support of fifty thousand soldiers to be sent to his thirty thousand soldiers’ army in order to face three hundred thousand soldiers of the enemy, Abu Bakr sent him only one man whose name was Al Qa’qaa’ Ibn Amro, and accordingly Khaled asked him: where is the support Qa’qaa? To which the latter answered: I am the support. Caught with surprise, khaled said: You!! Qa’qaa’ said: “yes me” and he passed him a letter from Abu Bakr in which he wrote: “By Him who sent Mohammad PBUH with the truth, an army with Qa’qaa’ in it will not be defeated.
One soldier of those men equaled one hundred thousand at the time, but now, one million Muslims equal zero, and that is because they have neglected Allah’s method and thus they were neglected by Allah as a result.
Prosperity comes from following the Divine method:
Hence dear brother, success is inclusive and it has four stations, and the first one is to know Allah through His universe:
﴾ Verily! In the creation of the heavens and the earth, and in the alternation of night and day, there are indeed signs for men of understanding. Those who remember Allah (always, and in prayers) standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and think deeply about the creation of the heavens and the earth, (saying): "Our Lord! You have not created (all) this without purpose, glory to You! (Exalted be You above all that they associate with You as partners). Give us salvation from the torment of the Fire. ﴿
You should know Allah’s method. Firstly you know Allah through His universe, secondly you worship Him through his method (Share’), thirdly you oblige yourself to submit to Him and fourthly you draw close to Him through good deeds. When you gain success in your relation with Allah, you will be one of those who are addressed by Allah in the following Qudsi (divine) Hadith:
((O, my servant, be to me as I desire, and I will be to you as you desire, o my servant be to me as I desire and don’t tell me what is best for you, you desire and I desire, so if you give in to me in what you desire, I will satisfy you in what you desire, but if you don’t give in to me in what I desire, I will tire you in what you desire and only that which I want comes to pass))
Hence, the first station is to know Allah, to know His method, to follow his right path, and to draw close to Him in order to be safe and happy in worldly life and in the hereafter.2- Your relation with your family and children:
The second station is your relation with your family and children.
Since the huge society is based on families, therefore the coherence in families will result in coherence in the society.
Whenever the family exalts, the society will exalt as well, and whenever the family get stronger, the society will get stronger. All divine religions support establishing families, whereas all man-made laws encourage breaking them apart, hence, the second station is the gist of this lecture.
3-Your relation with your living resources:
The third station is your relation with your job, craft, career, and financial resources, and since money is the backbone of life, it better be means for me to protect my honor and draw close to my Lord.
4- Your relation with your health:
If you succeed at work, succeed in knowing your Lord, succeed with your family and children, then you should succeed in your health, as the latter is the fourth station of success.
Your body is your deed’s vessel, and you might live your life as Allah decreed for you, however, you either take good care of your health and you spend your life standing, energetic, and active, or you neglect your health and you spend it fighting diseases.
Unless these four stations are pursued in the full sense of the word, your success is incomplete and shouldn’t be called “success”.
Yet, this lecture will tackle the second station which is your relation with your family and children.
Sowing dissension between married couples is Satan’s top mission:
First of all, would you believe that the prophet PBUH says:
((Praise be to Allah))
– for what- he said:((Praise be to Allah who bestowed me the fondness for Aishah))
The prophet PBUH considered his fondness for his wife as one of the greatest graces that was bestowed upon him by Allah.
Some devilish words go as follows: “You will be bored by your wife with time” (according to so many movies and soap operas) indicating that intimacy is gained only by Haram relations, and this is one of the devil’s traps.
I for one believe beyond doubt that one of the most important missions of the devil is to sow dissension between the husband and the wife, and to make the husband hate his wife and vice versa.
Some husbands are very nice with women other than their wives and harsh with the latter, and this is considered as a devilish act. Your affection should be towards your wife only, so as your smile, your apology, your appreciation and your gratitude.
((Praise be to Allah who bestowed me the fondness for Aishah))
Submissiveness to Allah establishes a happy and strong marriage:
Dear brother, the second station, which is your relation with your family, is based on the following Hadith:
((I swear by Him in Whose hands is my soul, any dissension between any loving couples (husband and wife) will be because of a sin that is committed by one of them))
If you (o, husband) is longing for a strong, cohesive, continuous and blossoming marriage, then you should obey your Lord, and this is addressed to the wife as well (obey your Lord)
((I swear by Him in Whose hands is my soul, any dissension between any loving couples (husband and wife) will be because of a sin that is committed by one of them))
Dear brother, I would never believe that offering Salah is the only difference between the believer and the non-believer, as Salah is an obligatory act of worship and it should be offered, and though the believer offers Salah, observes Sawm, offers Hajj and pays Zakat, I see that the obvious difference (between the two) lies in motivations, conceptions, behavior, principles and stances.
What are the features of the Islamic marriage? The first feature is that they (the husband and wife) follow the divine method.
I was told that in Malaysia they used to suffer from high rates of divorces. To solve the problem, the rulers over there established two kinds of schools, the first one is to teach the groom about the rights of the wife and marriage manners, and the second is to teach the bride the rights of the husband and marriage manners, and these courses last for at least six months, and unless the groom and the bride pass this course they will not be allowed to get married. Because of these courses, the rates of divorces decreased to its lowest rates.
The first judge in Damascus attended one of my lectures once, so I asked him in public: What is the divorce’s rate in Syria? He said: “It was fifteen in one thousand in the past, but now it is fifteen percent”, and today it is fifty percent, namely, among every one hundred marriage contracts, fifty of them will end up in divorce.
The wider the satellelite dishes are (for TV channels), the narrower the eating dishes will be (there will be poverty), the cheaper women’s flesh is and the more expensive the sheep’s meat will be, and the lesser shyness is, the lesser the rain will be.
A divorce rate of fifty percent means that spinsters’ rate is fifty percent, and in other words, fifty percent of women in this good country are without marriage, and this is indeed a huge problem.
Divorce is the result when the Divine method is not applied:
Unless the divine method is applied then divorce will be the result, because Allah says:
﴾ And none can inform you (O Muhammad) like Him Who is the All-Knower (of each and everything). ﴿
Unless Allah’s method is followed in the relation between the husband and wife, this marriage will end in a divorce.A five stars hotel made huge profits out of marriage ceremonies held at that hotel, so they wanted to hold a tribute ceremony for the married couples, so he asked his finance department about the number of weddings held in it in the past six months, and was told they were sixteen marriage contracts, so the latter were invited, but to the manager’s surprise, thirteen contracts were ended in divorce before the six months passed.
Establishing marriage on sins gives Satan the power to destroy it:
The first fact: if the marriage was established on disobeying Allah, the Satan will take part in sowing dissension between the married couple, even though successful elements were available in it. On the other hand, if the marriage was established on obeying Allah, then Allah will grant its success even though it might lack successful elements, as Allah will bestow the married couples with prosperity.
Again:
((I swear by Him in Whose hands is my soul, any dissension between any loving couples (husband and wife) will be because of a sin that is committed by one of them))
In every marriage contract I attended, I hear the Ma’zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony) saying: “According to Allah’s Quran and the prophetic Sunnah”, and the question that pops up in my mind: did the husband read what is in the Quran about marriage rules? And did the wife read what is in Quran about the husband’s rights? It is all about lack of knowledge that brings about this crisis, exactly like the crisis of the people of hellfire, so what is it? Their crisis is lack of knowledge, and the proof to that is the following Ayah:
﴾ And they will say: "Had we but listened or used our intelligence, we would not have been among the dwellers of the blazing Fire!" ﴿
If you seek the worldly life, then you need to pursue knowledge, if you seek the hereafter, then you need to pursue knowledge, and if you seek them both, you also need to pursue knowledge, and knowledge will not give you part of it unless you are entirely devoted to it, and if you are partially devoted then knowledge will give you nothing. One will be considered knowledgeable as long as he/she seeks knowledge, and the minute he/she thinks he/she is knowledgeable enough then he/she is considered ignorant.
Dear brother, verify, the knowledge seeker prefers the hereafter over the worldly life and accordingly, he/she will win them both, whereas the ignorant prefers the worldly life over the hereafter, and accordingly he/she will lose them both.
Every marriage should be based on religious knowledge:
You should have knowledge about what is in the Quran, and by Allah the only god, if Quran has only the following Ayah, it will be sufficient enough, Allah says:
﴾ And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.﴿
You will raise hell your wife wrongs your mother even with one word, but why then do you mock her mother? There is a large scale of senses for the following Ayah:
﴾ And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.﴿
This degree is a degree of leadership, exactly like the captain of the plane and his assistant, and though the latter has a license to fly the plane and he is able to do so, the decisions in a crisis will be taken only by the captain (not his assistant):
﴾ And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.﴿
If married couples fully understand the senses of this Ayah, there will not be any domestic conflict.
Your wife has dignity exactly like you do, she loves her family exactly like you love yours, she treasures them exactly like you treasure yours, and she wants to see you very elegant exactly like you want to see her very elegant:
﴾ And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.﴿
Considering Allah in the Islamic marriage is crucial:
One more thing:
﴾ And live with them honourably.﴿
Some scholars said: “(Honorably) does not mean not to hurt her only, but it means to be tolerant enough to put up with her when she hurts you”.
This is endurance.
Having Allah between husband and wife is the most serious thing in Islamic marriage, as every party should fear Allah and never oppress the other, and every party should draw close to Allah by being at the disposal of the other party. Marriage is legislated in order to last, and the proof to that is the following Ayah:
﴾ And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth﴿
Heavens and earth is the Quranic term for universe, and universe is everything other than Allah:
﴾ And from among His Signs are the night and the day, and the sun and the moon.﴿
﴾ And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves﴿
“from among yourselves” means that she thinks exactly like you do, she loves exactly like you do, she hates exactly like you do, she has dignity exactly like you , she hurts exactly like you do, and she is affected by humiliation like you . The minute you (o, husband) consider yourself from another class (other than the one to which your wife belongs), you will be considered as a discriminator.
Man is humane, pious or racist:
In one of my televised lectures I said: The husband, who gives himself rights that his wife doesn’t have, is a racist, the wife, who gives herself rights that her husband doesn’t have, is a racist, and the father, who treats his daughter in law differently from what he wishes for his own daughter to be treated with by her in-laws, is a racist. Man after all is either humane, divinely oriented or racist . The minute you give yourself privileges that your wife doesn’t have, you will be a racist.
﴾ And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.﴿
It is a Divine law not to turn the wife out of her husband’s home:
Dear brother:
﴾ and turn them not out of their (husband's) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave﴿
This Ayah includes a divine law, so please pay attention to it: when you turn your wife out of her house for the least problem between you and her, it will turn into a big problem because of sh3er’ interference, and when I say sh3er I mean her aunt, her sister or any member of her family, for all of them will keep feeding her with bad thoughts against her husband like: he does not befit you, he does not deserve you, and the like of negative thoughts, and thus, divorce is the result in this case, whereas if the wife stays in her husband’s house and doesn’t leave, even the biggest problem (in that case) will be solved between the two. Allah says:
﴾ and turn them not out of their (husband's) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave﴿
This is one of the laws which mark the Islamic methodology of the Noble Quran.
A husband’s superintendence is by knowledge and expenditure:
﴾ Men are the protectors and maintainers of women﴿
When are you entitled to be a true leader (in your family)? That will be only when you are knowledgeable:
﴾ because Allah has made one of them to excel the other﴿
In knowledge and sustenance:﴾ and because they spend (to support them) from their means.﴿
When you are superior, you are much closer to Allah, and thus much closer to be knowledgeable, tolerant, and a leader to the ship (the family). On the other hand, if you were the otherwise, and your wife is better than you in her conducts and knowledge, you don’t deserve to be the maintainer (and thus you don’t deserve to be the leader of the family), and though the text gave you that, your wife will be practically the leader not you.Man should worship Allah by fulfilling what he is assigned to do:
Dear brother, pay attention to this delicate point, the prophet PBUH said in the following hadith:
((Be kind to women, for it is the generous (in character) who is good to women, and it is the wicked who insults them, women prevail over the generous, and is prevailed over by the wicked, and I’d like to be prevailed over generous person rather being the wicked who prevails over women))
And in another Hadith:
((Understand O woman (Go and tell sh3er), and inform the other women. Indeed a woman's perfection of her relationship with her husband, her seeking his pleasure, and doing that which he approves of is equivalent to all of that (i.e. Al Jihad in the cause of Allah).))
Jihad is the most important act of worship in Islam, and it is in the highest rank and the prophet PBUH made it equivalent to the act of the wife looking after the family and seeking the husband’s pleasures
I always talk about the acts of worship that is relevant to who you are, and to know these acts you should ask: “Who am I?” If you are rich, then your first act of worship is to spend on the poor, if you are powerful, then your first act of worship is to stand by the weak and the wretched, if you are a knowledgeable person, then your first act of worship is to teach sh3er, and if you are a woman, your first act of worship is to look after you husband and children.
I always use the following example to collaborate this concept, if a mother loved Allah so much and she woke up at 4 AM, prayed Tahajud (after midnight prayers), and reauthord Quran, but as a result she got tired at 6 o’clock and she has 5 children to take care of, so she said to them: manage your needs, and she went to bed.
If we pictured this house we would say: the house is cold, no food on the table, one of her children didn’t write his homework, the second didn’t study, the third’s clothes are dirty, the fourth’s shoes need cleaning, and the fifth put his sandwich in his back bag without wrapping so the olive oil leaked on his books, so all the five kids were severely punished.
In such situation I would say, and this is my own opinion: If this mother woke up one hour before sun rise, and heated the house , fixed breakfast, helped her kids with their homework, took care of their clothes, prepared and wrapped sandwiches neatly for them, put fruits in their lunch box, and showed them to the door until they took the school bus, well in my opinion this mother who didn’t pray Tahajud is closer to Allah a million times more than the other woman, because she did her job as a mother and by that she worshiped Allah as a woman and a wife and this is the most important act of worship that she should offer.
Submissiveness to Allah turns home into paradise:
Dear brother, the dissension between the husband and wife is an important issue to tackle and it will take time; however it is summarized in the following hadith:
((I swear by Him in Whose hands is my soul, any dissension between any loving couples (husband and wife) will be because of a sin that is committed by one of them))
And it can be summarized in this first Ayah:
﴾ And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.﴿
And in this second Ayah:
﴾ And live with them honourably﴿
And in this third Ayah:
﴾ Men are the protectors and maintainers of women﴿
And in this forth Ayah:
﴾ and turn them not out of their (husband's) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave﴿
Dear brother, frankly, whenever the house is cozy, and full of love, peace and understanding, it will turn into paradise even if it is the smallest house, sunless, with insufficient food and with limited financial resources. On the other hand, an eighty million house could be a piece from hell (if the married couple are not obedient to Allah).
By Allah, I have been to the cheapest house (if you may call it a house) in Qasyoon (the mountain by Damascus), and though it wasn’t tiled, I felt it as a piece of paradise because of the submissiveness both married couples had to Allah.
Obey our orders so that we raise our veils
As we bestow those who love us with our content
***
Allah bestows health, smartness, money and beauty abundantly to his creations, yet, He gives tranquility only to the elite among believers.
Reasons behind domestic conflicts:
1- Unawareness of religious rights and duties:
The brother who invited me set up some topics to talk about, and I am tackling them one by one in this lecture.
First of all: being ignorant of the Islamic rights and responsibilities is a matter of lack of knowledge. The truth is that husbands and wives don’t know the rights of one another, and they lack the sense of well-handling each other, hence, please pay attention to the following Ayah:
﴾ As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse, etc.) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed, etc.) and the remembering (praising, etc.) of (you by) Allah (in front of the angels) is greater indeed[than your remembering (praising, etc.) Allah in prayers, etc.].﴿
Namely, the greatest thing in prayers is remembering Allah.There is another meaning for it: Allah’s remembering of you is greater than yours of Him. Namely when you remember Allah, you will be doing your act of duty towards Him, whereas when He remembers you, He will be granting you wisdom with which you will be happy with your wife even if she takes one on a scale of one to ten, however, without that wisdom, you will be miserable even with a wife of the first class, and the same goes for the wife.
﴾ and he, to whom Hikmah is granted, is indeed granted abundant good ﴿
Strengthening the connection with Allah endows wisdom and security:
Wisdom is the greatest divine bestowal, as with wisdom you befriend people, better yet; you make friends out of your enemies, and the opposite happens when you don’t have wisdom.
Upon having wisdom you can manage your life even with limited income, and without it, you will waste a wealth.
Hence, Salah (prayers) is not only moves and verses that are reauthord. Would it be possible that this great Creator, who created billions of galaxies, asks us to offer prayer, to do ruko’, Sujood and moves only? No! Salah is something else, it is all about connecting with Allah, with which you will be granted wisdom; one of the fruits of Salah is security, and satisfaction with your wife who is considered as a divine gift to you, and all of which are the fruits of salah.
Hence, dear brother, the Islamic method consists of different connected parts, and unless you apply it entirely, you will not be able to reap its fruits.
2- Interference of kin, neighbors and friends:
I, for one believe that the rational wife and the rational husband would never take their domestic issues outside the house. There is an important indication in the following Ayah:
﴾ refuse to share their beds ﴿
If the husband refuses to share the room with his wife, the children will know about their problem by saying: today my father slept in the living room. Hence, Allah meant for your problems to be between you two according to the previous Ayah, and children should never be aware of your problems. Verify, the more limited the domestic problem is, the easier the solution will be. The interference of kin, children, neighbors, and aunts make things harder. That is what Allah the Almighty meant when He said:
﴾ refuse to share their beds ﴿
Allah meant that no one inside the house should know about the problem, so it would rather be hidden from kin.Whoever comes between a husband and wife is a fool:
It is out of foolishness that the wife tells her family about everything that is going on between her and her husband, as they will give her advice left and right
One asked another: How is your father-in-law? is he dead? He said no he is very much alive, then he asked him: How is your mother in law? He answered: She is a striving Hayyah (alive but it also means in Arabic: snake).
((Who among people has the greatest right over a woman? The prophet PBUH said: Her husband. I said: And who has the greatest right over a man? He PBUH said: His mother))
This is a prophetic guidance, as the prophet PBUH made the mother the most sacred female in a male’s life, and he made the husband the most sacred male in a female’s life.
The husband has rights, and the interference of sh3er will feed the wife with a negative attitude, and thus, instead of being a loving wife who is satisfied with her humble house and income and instead of being a wife who treasures the good conducts of her husband, she will turn into another creature. Like when her brother asks her in Eid (for example): What did your husband give you as a gift in Eid? And when she answers: “nothing”, her brother will say: “This is unacceptable”.
((A man might speak a word without thinking about its implications, but because of it, he will plunge into the Hellfire further than the distance between the east and west))
Why would you spoil the good relation between the two? Why would you spoil the mutual satisfaction? Why would you sabotage the love between the two?
The prophet PBUH said:
((He who sows dissension between two is not one of us))
One word is enough sometimes to sow dissension, like asking on certain occasions: What did he give you as a gift? The poor wife will be embarrassed by such question.
The true believer should praise the husband in front of his sister when he pays her a visit by saying: “Mashaa Allah, he is good, his conducts are perfect, and he is a true husband so take care of him, and be proud of him”. By such words, the husband will be warmly welcomed by his wife when he comes home, and this is all because of her brother who raised high her husband’s value in her eyes.
I used to say a harsh statement: “If one was disconnected with Allah, he will be heedless, whereas when he is connected with Allah he will be granted wisdom”
3- Continuous disagreement between the wife and her in-laws:
In regard of the continuous disagreement between a married couple and their in-laws I always say: Your father brought you to this life (as a man), while your father in-law brought your wife to this life, moreover he raised her for eighteen years, took care of her health, taught her, educated her, and maintained all her needs, then he gave her to you like a gift, hence, he should be like a father to you.
He, who mistreats his father in-law, is unthankful, for he should be like a father to him, and thus you have your father who brought you to life, your father in-law, and the father who guided you to Allah.
Hence, it is out of perfection in the husband’s faith to respect his father in-law and to treat him like his own father.
Same goes for the wife, and it is out of perfection in her faith from her side to respect her father in-law and to treat him like her own father, for she has the father who brought her to life, her father in-law who gave her his son as a husband, and the father who guided her to Allah.
Maternity is the strongest motive in mankind:
Dear brother, children are the source of joy in any house, and in some cases, a married man with eight children may think of remarrying again, and he may think that the second wife should not have children (as he already has eight), however, asking her not to have children is a deprivation of her rights, for she has the right to have children.
Motherhood is the strongest motivator amongst mankind, and any wife has the right to have a child who calls her “mother”.
Once I was touched by something said to me by a sister, she said: If you know a man who can marry me for even one month so I can get pregnant and have a child who calls me “mother”.
By Allah we are in big trouble, and we are committing a big mistake not to help young men and women getting married.
By Allah who is the only god, nothing soothes the soul more than getting married. Beware of the devilish proverb that goes as follows: “give help in a funeral and don’t give help in marriage”, as this proverb contradicts with the following Hadith:
((The best of Shafa’a (a state of acting as intermediary) is to help two people getting married))
And it was mentioned in the relic:
((whoever helps in a marriage between a man and a woman will be rewarded for every step he takes what equals a worship of a whole year fasting its days and praying its nights))
Try to refer a young woman to a young man among your relatives in order to help them getting married, and you shouldn’t keep steer clear of helping sh3er because you are married, what is your stance towards Muslims? Why don’t you put into your consideration Muslims’ concerns?
I hope that each one takes upon himself the responsibility of helping young men and young women getting married. There is a very important Hadith which I feel in dire obligation to mention. Some people assume that asking for an expensive dower, putting obstacles, asking for a house down town with a luxurious entrance, and setting high measures for the future husband of their daughter, will make them part of the velvet society, well, I for one call it sackcloth society. The prophet PBUH said:
((When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so…..))
Do you think men will stop longing for women? No way, but instead of getting married (because of the obstacles that are put by families), both of them will resort to Haram relation. Hence, the tighter the means of marriage are, the more brothels we will have, and it is very obvious, so either we will have marriage or adultery, and it is either a Halal (lawful) relation or a Haram (unlawful) relation, and again here is the Hadith of the prophet PBUH:((When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request))
But instead, families of women put obstacles:
((When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth))
And the prophet PBUH repeated the hadith three times upon being asked by the companions.
By Allah I don’t dare to say that some cities have close to seventy thousand brothels in it. In Damascus suburb, some notable figures in a village decided that the dower should be only a wedding simple ring and a watch, and that the married couple lives in a room at the husband’s family house.
We should facilitate marriage or else men and women will resort to adultery as an alternative, they will resort to Orfee’s marriage (a non-official marriage), and they will resort to a thousand other twisted Haram ways.
Dear brother, the wife has the right to have children, and resorting to contraceptives (in all its kinds) shouldn’t occur unless the wife approves it because this is one of her rights.
4- Business travel of the husband for a long time:
In regard of the long absence of the husband due to work, I want to share with you the results of a research which referred to the long absence of the husbandas one of the main reasons for adultery.
The husband and wife satisfy each sh3er’ needs, hence the long absence of the husband might end in adultery because of the deprivation of the other’s rights, however, and despite this fact, most of Muslim women are guarding their honor (in such cases) and they are chaste.
Another shocking fact is that some of the Islamic countries won’t accept to hire a male employee unless he takes the job without bringing his wife with him, whereas in some non-Islamic countries, they won’t accept a male employee without his wife and kids because of a reunion law that they have.
Accordingly, will you believe that those who don’t know Allah, are bringing together family members, whereas those who know Allah are preventing the husband to be with his wife?
This is a serious problem.
5- Adopting different methods in raising children:
A married couple might have a disagreement in educating their children because each one of them may adopt different method from the other, and in this case, resorting to the divine method is the frame of reference in raising kids:
((Teach but don’t treat harshly, as the teacher is better than the cruel))
((Play with your children for seven years, educate them for another seven years, and then give free rein to them))
In the series of lectures about educating children in Islam, there are sixty cassettes that were, by Allah’s favor, broadcasted on Radios tens of times (and I offer them as a gift and the rights are not reserved), and I encourage every family to listen to these lectures which are about the prophetic guidance from the infallible prophet PBUH in regard of moral, Islamic, scientific, psychological, sociological, physical and sexual education.
It was mentioned in these lectures that the good education can be applied through different methods such like preaching, observing, motivating, disciplining, instructing and setting a good example.
Actually, we have to know that there are means and topics in education, and the solution lies in resorting to Allah as a Judge instead of having disagreement and a clash of wrong points of view, hence, Islam is the frame of reference in educating our children.
By the way these radio lectures (Educating children in Islam) are now televised, as I am lecturing them in the mosque “Saed Ibn Moath” in Damascus.
6- Man’s idleness, stinginess and withdrawal of sustenance:
Man’s idleness from work, stinginess and withdrawal of sustenance are other issues to tackle.
Poverty due to idleness hurts me a lot, whereas the poverty because of pure fate is excusable, and the poor one because of his spending is commended.
O Abu Bakr, what have you left for yourself? Abu Bakr answered: I have left Allah and His messenger for them.
He, who doesn’t like to work, loses his upper hand in his own house, while on the other hand, making a Halal living, and being responsible for the sustenance, will strengthen man’s position in his house and will attract his son to him instead of being attracted to a wealthy friend after having his needs not met by his father. Hence, meeting your family needs, through working hard and sincerely, will make a stronger household. Verify, Allah is The Razzak (The Provider), and be aware that, for Allah, it is easier if the universe comes to an end than not bringing to action the following Ayah:
﴾ And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). ﴿
This Ayah is above time, place, circumstances, pressures and economic blockade:
﴾ And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. ﴿
I am addressing the youth at this moment, for every young man needs a house, a job and a wife.
By Allah, I was visited by a young man once in my house, and upon serving him a piece of cake and a cup of tea, he said after the first bite of the cake:
Glory be to Allah who gave us this, and He never leaves anyone out of His graces.
Though I know this supplication and I know the Hadith, I was deeply touched. Accordingly, I am addressing you O young man and young woman: please remember that Allah does not leave any one out of His graces, yet, you need to be patient, for the one who is impatient in longing to something before he is entitled to own it, will be punished by being deprived from it.
Good conducts of a person are revealed at home:
The married couple shouldn’t take liberties with each other due to the love they have, and this is considered as a big mistake.
In my point of view, unlike the one who screams in his house, a true believer will never wrong, bad mouth, or curse his wife even if they live together for thirty years, and that is due to his good conducts that he acquired from Islam.
One can’t acquire a driving license unless he is able to drive backward in a narrow S shape route, because if he manages to do so, everything will be easy for him (in driving a car), and the same goes for family affairs, as the measures, that were set by the prophet PBUH, are manifested in the way the couples act inside the house not outside it, for the way one acts outside the house is fake, for he/she dresses, puts on perfume, and acts nicely because this will serve his/her interests as an employee or a merchant, and both care about their reputation, but inside the house, there is no monitoring, so where is the measures for good conducts
Your true good conducts are revealed inside the house, and the proof to that is the following Hadith:
((The best of you is the one who is best to his own family))
Aishah, may Allah be pleased with her, once asked the master of mankind and the beloved to Allah (the prophet PBUH),
"How is your love for me?" He answered, "As the loop of the rope." She kept asking him about his love for her from time to time saying, "How is the loop?" He PBUH answered, "As it is; a strong loop."
And he used to listen to her opinion.
Bigamy and monogamy:
Aishah once told the prophet lengthily about Abu Zare’ and Umm Zare’, and she mentioned his bravery, generosity and how he was a unique husband, but in the end she was very sorry that he divorced Umm Zare’, so accordingly the prophet PBUH was very gentle to her and he said: “I am to you like Abu Zare’ to Umm Zare’ except I will not divorce you”.
I would like to express my hope to every husband not to joke about getting the second wife or divorce , for nothing upsets the woman more than these two words: “the second wife and divorce”.
Listen to this anecdote: A man was bestowed with a wife who was very beautiful, educated, understanding , wealthy and from a decent family, yet he longed for a second wife but he did not have any reason for remarrying, so he planned to act sad for a whole month, and when she asked him about the reason behind his sadness, he said: “The Sultan laid down a law by which he will execute every man who doesn’t marry a second wife”, so his wife promptly answered: “Then die as a martyr”.
I was invited once by a man whose villa was two stories, so women were upstairs and they had amplifiers to listen to my lecture (but I wasn’t aware of that), and all the men including me were on the first floor having dinner, and suddenly a man asked me about bigamy, and before I started to answer, the owner of the villa tried to stop me by pointing to the second floor, so I said to myself: What is in the second floor? So I continued answering the question, but later on I was told that women were on the second floor and I knew that this might be his last dinner.
Thinking of having only one wife as a religious basis (for those who have one wife), or thinking of having more than one wife as a religious basis (for those who have two wives) is a false assumption, and the right thing is that you are the basis (as a husband), and bigamy or monogamy is up to you, namely, if you are sure that having only one wife will lead you to commit adultery, then bigamy is the basis, and if you are satisfied with one wife as a mother of your children, then monogamy is the basis. Hence, as long as you are following Allah’s method, and satisfied with your wife, then you have no excuse.
These are some of the topics that I was asked to tackle, and I am waiting for your questions, and praise be to Allah Lord of the worlds.
The questions:
1- The benefits of sojourn with a husband’s family:
Q: Are there any benefits of sojourn with the husband’s family after applying all the Islamic ruling inside the house, because I heard that Dr. Boti, May Allah reward him, mentioned that there are some benefits, but sh3er said that this might be true if the family is following the Islamic laws in that regard, however, the society has a different reality, so is it justified?
A: According to doctors, there is no illness rather there is a patient (every case is different from the other), and the same goes for families, hence, every family is different from the other, as some families have high standards of decency, discipline, affection, and compassion, and it is beneficial to stay with such family. On the other hand, there are families who are very difficult to deal with, and for them it is fine that their daughter oversleeps and they justify that by saying that she is tired, whereas their daughter in law has no right to oversleep, and they raise hell if she does. Hence, this issue is a “case by case” matter, and it is up to the nature of the husband’s family.
Dr. Rateb: By the way, I need to clarify something, I have never accepted money in return for a lecture, and I just found out that money was taken for this lecture.
The host: Dear Doctor Rateb, this money was used to cover the expenses for holding this meeting only, and And we made 1800 CDs for your lectures
Dr. Rateb: Did I take any of it?
The host: No, May Allah reward you, we have 1800 CDs with your four lectures and they will be given to people for free.
Dr. Rateb: clarifying things excludes the devil, and I have clarified this matter.
2- When women go out of their houses in this era:
Q: Is the Ayah of preventing women from going out of the house feasible nowadays. As if there is a misinterpretation of this Ayah?
A: Being rigid is like being lenient, as both are unacceptable extremes. Thus women have the right to go out of the house, but if they do, they should not display themselves like that of the times of ignorance, like wearing make up or jewelry which is a must inside the house and is obligatory (in front of her husband).
3- Women going out of their houses for work:
Q: What do you think about the woman who works outside the house?
A: If this job is within the Islamic limitations, there will be no problem. If it is the otherwise, then even a woman with Hijab will be the subject of harassment, dirty jokes or men will feast their eyes on her, so it is possible that men go beyond limits in dealing with her out of having fun.
Hence if there is mixing with men in that job and non-Islamic environment, then working is not permitted, but if the job is within the Islamic limitations, then it is fine.
4- Veil (face cover) and Hijab (hair’s cover):
Q: What should a woman, who is a college student, do if she was asked by her husband to put a veil over her face which makes things harder for her in college?
A: I would say that there are maximum measures and minimum measures in Islam. Niqab (veil) is more perfect, however, Hijab (hair cover) is acceptable, and I for one hope that none of the two criticizes one another.
Musailamah Al-Kathab (the liar) imprisoned two of the companions, and upon asking them to testify that he is the messenger of Allah, the first one said: I heard nothing, and as a result, his head was cut off, and the second one said: I testify that you are the messenger of Allah. Now listen to the prophet’s comment on that incident, he said PBUH:
((As for the first, he honored Islam and Allah will honor him in return))
then he said:((and as for the second one, he took Allah’s Rukhsah (permit) (in such situation). ))
This religion (Islam) didn’t assign you beyond your capability and this is where its greatness comes from. There are maximum and minimum measures, Niqab is more perfect, and Hijab is the minimum that is accepted.Hence, whenever a sister finds her way to Allah and wears hijab, we should congratulate her and never criticize her till she is convinced with Niqab, and same goes for the woman who wears Niqab as she went with the maximum measures.
5- Demands imposed by families of women:
Q: What do you think of all the demands imposed by the family of the woman upon the man who proposes?
A: If these demands are within the Islamic limitations, then it is fine.
6- Question about TV channels and movies:
Q: Would you please give us an advice and a general view of the subject of TV channels, movies and Islamic channels?
A: Actually, I consider the blue screen is the most dangerous threat against Muslims. Allah says about wine:
﴾ They ask you (O Muhammad) concerning alcoholic drink and gambling. Say: "In them is a great sin, and (some) benefit for men﴿
Though intoxicants are Haram, Allah said that they bring some benefits. Same goes for TV channels, as there are little benefits besides the huge harm they bring, and it is like eating a whole cooking pot full of bitter stuff for a lick of honey in it, so even if you will be able to taste that sweet lick, but you should eat the entire pot for that purpose.
Hence, if you can be watchful and you don’t keep unwanted channels, then it is fine. But you should be careful even if you go to visit relatives with your kids, as the latter might watch those channels over there, and believe me there are lot of unbelievable problems which occurred because of those channels.
Verify, there is no such thing as good gunpowder, as all kinds of gunpowder explode, and the lust is the same, as it is deeply hidden, but when you arouse it, reasoning will be canceled.
Beware of arousing your lust to high levels, as when you do so, any result will be expected.
Remember, whenever there is faith, things will be different, as there will not be what so called “step mother” or “fellow wife” (in the bad senses of the words).
I know a mathematics teacher in Damascus who got married but couldn’t have children, so his wife proposed to a woman on his behalf and took a two weeks leave for him in order to remarry , and as a result, he honored her by buying the same jewelry that he presented to the new wife, and he said: by Allah we lived for twelve years without any problems in the house.
Another brother in Damascus is the owner of a grocery shop and who happened to be not religious, and he used to have a woman neighbor who was non-Muslim. He was a good looking guy so she liked him, and she used to come by his shop to buy her needs, drink coffee or tea and by time they fell in love and he longed for marrying her, however, his family refused and threatened to end their relation with him, so he left her. Upon doing so she said to him: If you marry me, by Allah I will become a Muslimah and will memorize Quran, but he refused.
After a while, he got married to a religious woman, and two years later, she became aware of that story (of the non-Muslim woman), and she said to him: “If you don’t marry this woman I will not stay”. What do you call this? She is a religious woman, and when she knew that this woman promised to convert to Islam and to memorize Quran, she insisted on bringing her as a fellow wife.
Hence, when you are a true believer, you become a different person, and there will be no expressions as “step mother” or “fellow wife” in the bad sense of the words, as that occurs only when there is no faith.
7- Penitence of a deviated person:
Q: This is a recurring problem, it is about refusing a young man, who had committed sins then repented to Allah, when he proposes to a woman in order to get married.so what do you say to the families of the girls in order to accept such a person?
A: It is a wrong culture that we refuse the repentant.
In the western world, they give another chance to the repentant.
When Umar applied the Islamic punishment (Hadd) on a woman, and later when a man proposed to her, her brother asked Omar, if he should tell him what his sister had done and he said to him: “By Allah if you tell him I will kill you”.
If one repented, it should be a closed case, and he shouldn’t talk about his old sins, unlike a fad that we have nowadays, as I have heard two or three persons saying: I’ve just repented. Why do you have to say that you did, and since you have repented then it is a closed case.
When a woman speaks in front of her husband about her old history with all her mistakes in it, he will hate her as a result, and vice versa. If Allah concealed your shortcomings, why should you disclose them? In Islam there is no such thing as “confession” to another human being, on the contrary, we don’t tell about our sins, so where does this come from? It comes from being unwatchful to what we say.
