The father-son dialogue:

 Dear brother, we are starting a new lesson of the series "Upbringing Children in Islam", and today's topic is related to the different topics which were tackled in our previous lectures. It is about the father-son dialogue. Most parents, due to being mindless, judging their children wrongly or having poor experience in upbringing children, they give their children orders, and they rebuke them most of the time. Had these parents been aware of the effectiveness of establishing a dialogue with their children, they would have realized that the successful leader is not the one who gives orders, but rather he is the one who is persuasive. If you can persuade your children with doing something, they will adopt it and abide by it completely, but imposing orders upon them harshly will make the children carry out these orders unwillingly in the presence of their parents only and will stop applying them in their absence.

Miserable children will bring misery to their parents:

  The first point is that you should sit with your son, and I look forward to seeing every father and every mother give enough time to sit with their children. Though parents might be busy with appointments, meetings and lectures, they should know that there is only one important mission they are supposed to accomplish, which is sitting with their children, because they are part of them, because the misery of the children will cause the parents' misery and because the safety of children brings happiness to the parents. Therefore, don't miss these precious moments when you sit with your children, because this time is invested for your and their future. I have repeatedly mentioned the following Ayah, Allah says:

﴾So let him not get you both out of Paradise, so that you be distressed in misery. ﴿

[Ta-Ha, 36]

 Allah does not say, "so that both of you be distressed in misery", but He says, "so that you (O Adam) be distressed in misery", and this is a strong indication that the misery of the husband causes the misery of the wife. Likewise, the misery of children inevitably causes the misery of their parents. Dedicating time every week or every few days to sit with your children and talk to them is very important, and it can be done while you are having lunch with them. If only every father knows how happy his son will be upon seeing his great father asking him about his study, conditions, friends, how he spends his time with his friends, how things go with him at school or which teacher influences him and how he treats him. This is our topic for today's blessed meeting.

Giving time to your children is your first mission because they are part of you:

  First of all, you should sit with your son instead of standing and looking down at him while giving your orders. Also, it is not recommendable to let him stand while you are leaning, thus you both should be in a sitting position next to one another or facing one another. In other words, you shouldn't be higher than him nor should he be higher than you, but rather you should both sit next to one another or face one another.

 The meeting should be friendly, and it should not finish quickly. Thus the father shouldn't do it ten minutes before going to work, before the meal or before expecting guests, for meeting with your son while you are in a hurry will not be fruitful. You should sit with him when you are sure that the meeting can continue as long as you wish, for this dialogue might be an extended one and you might see your son is touched by your words. Therefore, make this meeting open for one hour not minutes. Short meetings with your son are fruitless, so you shouldn't sit with him few minutes before Maghrib time, before Salah, before lunch, before an appointment you have or before expecting your guests. Hence, this meeting should be open, and try to talk to him and to encourage him to talk back in a give-and-take dialogue. My advice to you is: Try to make him your friend. I know many fathers, who were inspired with the way through which they dealt with their sons. Consequently, their sons have become the closest to their father, and they have become with them all the time like their shadow.

Prerequisites for establishing a dialogue with your son:

 Where should this meeting take place? Which position should you take? You shouldn't do this meeting while both of you are standing; both of you should sit facing one another or sitting next to one another. Where should you sit? Is it in a crowded place like the living room where there are noises and laughs of younger siblings who are running in the room? This is not the suitable place for a dialogue. Sit with him in your room, in his or in any other calm room, for he might want to tell you something that he doesn't want to say in front of his mother or siblings. Prepare a place where both of you have some sort of privacy, because when the advice of the father is given in privacy, it will be accepted even if it is accompanied with disciplining, but doing so in front of his sisters (for example) or friends, will insult his dignity. Therefore, try to make this meeting open and private, and let it be in a comfortable room. I prefer that this meeting takes place out of the house in a nice place, and I'm not asking you to go with him for a picnic, but something like that; go to a restaurant, for instance, because this will make him feel how important he is to you, how precious he is to you and how keen you are on sitting with him. This is very fruitful, because your son knows that despite being busy, you dedicate time to sit with him. Children believe that their father is supposed to dedicate most of his time to them saying, ""Father, we need to see you with us most of the time." When the father is practically not there for his children but to foreigners, his children will be in pain and will blame their father, because they are part of him and he is all they have got, whereas foreigners have sh3er to look after them.

 Considering provision everything the father should provide his children with is a big mistake, for it is his duty towards them to bring them food and clothes, but there are other needs he should fulfill whether his child is a toddler or a teenager. Children are in need of their father's tenderness, affection and time as much as they need food. There is a big difference between rebuking your son, calling him names and insulting him in public, and being nice to him and making him like your shadow. Not to mention, such kind treatment will make him at your deposal and your right hand. Therefore, you'd better take him as a friend and establish a dialogue with him.

 Again, sitting with your son should be in a right position, in a comfortable place and the meeting time should be open. Furthermore, you should choose the right time when you are not busy. If you have an important job to finish don't ask him to go with you for a picnic in order to spend time with him, because you will not enjoy the picnic at all. When you choose the right time (it is preferable to make it open), the right place and the right position for meeting with your son, you will finish many stages in communicating with him.

Rebuking, criticizing and calling your child names destroy the dialogue:

  I would like to draw your attention to the point that it is preferable to choose the time for this meeting early in the morning. Man is in his full activity early in the morning after a good night sleep, but choosing to meet with him after a long day of working is not suitable, for you will find yourself (as a father) unable to chat or to concentrate on any subject. This is a common rule: If you want to meet someone, choose the right time. Now there are conditions for any dialogue, one of which is:

((Educate and don't rebuke))

[Al-Baihaqi, by Abi Hurairah]

 Unfortunately, in most phone calls I usually receive the members of the family complain against the father's bad manner in dealing with his children. This manner is manifested in rebuking, criticizing and calling them names. All the father has got is just rigidness, blaming, badmouthing and wishing the worst for his children. Such fathers are hated by their children, who prefer to spend most of their time out of the house with their friends, because they can't take criticizing, rebuking, badmouthing, humiliating and weakening their self-confidence any longer. In fact, the worst father is the one who didn't get acquainted with Allah.

Father's success lies in being loved besides being respected by his children:

  Dear brother, let me stress this fact: the Middles Eastern culture, or let me say the Islamic culture is respected. However, as for fathers, some of them are loved by their children. Hence, your success as a father lies in being respected and loved by your children. This love entails paying effort and spending time and money by the father for his children's sake, so that they will consider their father the most important person in their life.
Basing on this fact, I say that working is an act of worship, and when you perfect your work and make a reasonable income in order to spend it on your children, you will draw them closer to you. The father who spends money reasonably on his kids is very loved and respected by them, whereas the one who doesn't give much effort in his job, will gain low income and will not be able to meet his children's needs, so they will say to him, "Why did you bring us to this world if you are unable to meet our needs?". These children will keep wondering.

Working is an act of worship:

  Working hard to fulfill your family's needs makes your work an act of worship. When you pay the needed effort at work, your wife and children will be yours (with their hearts). There is an outstanding statement of a Noble Companion; he said, "How lovely to earn money with which I guard my honor and draw closer to my Lord." "How lovely" here means the income being earned is enough for fulfilling the basic needs of the family, and it doesn't mean that man can spend it lavishly, extravagantly or excessively. You can with this income afford a coat for your son in a chilly winter, afford a computer for him and meet his other basic needs. As a result, the son will be close to his parents, so don't rebuke your son.

((Educate and don't rebuke, because the educator is better than the rebuker.))

[Al-Baihaqi, from Abi Hurairah]

 A teacher said to her student, "You are idiot", so the echo of these words stayed with this student for more than 20 years and caused her a horrible personality disorder. A man swore by Allah that when he was a child he entered the Masjid in order to offer Salah and stood in the first raw, and they were 7 in the raw, but the man who was standing next to him didn't notice that, so he pushed him behind (to the next raw). Accordingly, this child abandoned Masajid for 55 years because of that push. Children are the beloved ones to Allah, so treat them well.

Our children are the trump card we have:

  By Allah dear brother, I am saying the following with a broken heart: All we have got, as Muslims, are our children. They are the future, so don't treat them harshly, don't call them names, don't rebuke them and don't hit them. All these ways are fruitless, and they cause a crack in your relationship with your son; they make him wear masks in dealing with you and say what pleases you while he has something else in his mind. When your son loves you, he will be honest with you and will ask for your opinion saying, for example, "This is what my friend told me, so what do you think of that father?" When you manage to make your son a friend of yours, you are an ideal father. Replace the loud voice with nice words, for the good word is Sadaqah, so is the smile. Patting on your child's shoulder, having a nice chat with him and giving him the needed time in a comfortable meeting bring him happiness and positively affect him.

The father’s Orders should accompanied with justification:

  The Divine Orders of this Great Lord, Who Created us, deserves to be obeyed without commenting on them, without asking for justification and without knowing the wisdom behind them. Yet, Allah says:

﴾Take Sadaqah (alms) from their wealth in order to purify them and sanctify them with it﴿

[At-Taubah, 103]

 When Allah mentions the justification and the wisdom behind His Divine Order, He means to convince you of this order rather than imposing it upon you.

﴾Take Sadaqah (alms) from their wealth in order to purify them and sanctify them with it, and invoke Allah for them. Verily! Your invocations are a source of security for them.﴿

[At-Taubah, 103]

  Here is another example:

﴾O you who believe! Observing As-Saum (the fasting) is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqun (the pious). ﴿

[Al-Baqarah, 183]

﴾and perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat). Verily, As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse, etc.) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed, etc.) and the remembering (praising, etc.) of (you by) Allah (in front of the angels) is greater indeed [than your remembering (praising, etc.) Allah in prayers, etc.]. And Allah knows what you do. ﴿

[Al-Ankabut, 45]

﴾As-Salat (the prayer) prevents from Al-Fahsha' (i.e. great sins of every kind) and Al-Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)﴿

[Al-Ankabut, 45]

  Allah is the Lord of "Kun Fayakun" (Kun is an Arabic word referring to the act of manifesting, existing, or being. In the Qur'an, Allah commands the universe to be ["kun!"], and it is [fayakūn]. "Kun fayakūn" has its reference in the Quran authord as a Symbol/Sign of Allah's Mystical Creative Power) and the Lord of "Zul Fayazul" (Allah's saying to something: annihilate and it will be annihilated). However, He sometimes gives you the orders followed by the justification. Try to adopt the Divine Style in justifying the Divine Orders whenever you give orders to your child. You can say to him/her, "This is to your own advantage, for the best of your future, for keeping your good position, for your reputation, for your success at workand so on. If Allah Whose Command is mere "Kun Fayakun" and "Zul Fayazul" provides us with justifications of His Orders, you'd better do the same as a father when you order your son to do something by giving him the reason behind your order out of respect to him.
  I was appointed once as a principal of a high school where there were 113 teachers, principal assistants and a secretary, so I used to meet each group alone. During those meetings, I used to say to them, "We are one team, so if you want to raise an issue, let us discuss the possible solutions for it. Either you convince me with your point of view or I convince you with mine." The outcome of this kind of discussion is affection, success, devotion and application.

Being too strict teaches children hypocrisy and lying:

 Dear brother, I would like to draw your attention to an important point which is that when you slap your son on the face whenever he makes a mistake, your relationship with him will be over, because he will never feel safe with you. Thus, he will start lying to you in everything. Your strictness teaches your son hypocrisy, and it makes him very remote from you. You can befriend him by being affectionate to him and by establishing a friendly dialogue with him. I know many msh3er of my relatives who establish a solid connection with their daughters and befriend them, so the daughters can tell their msh3er whatever goes on at school, and the mother will guide the daughters to do the right thing. These msh3er ask questions like, "What has been said to you? Where did you go? What happened to you?" They can get the honest answer.

 Dear brother, I meet lots of brother who are affectionate and polite to me, and we smile at one another, and though they might attend my lectures for ten years, I say, "I don't know anything about them." Do you know why? That is because I didn't hear a word from them. When someone talks to you, you are able to know how far he comprehends things, you can know the words he uses and on what bases he makes his judgment on things. Unless someone talks, you know nothing about him. Sometimes people ask me about a young man in a marriage matter, and I say, "I don't know anything about him. Though he attended my lectures for eight years, he never paid me a visit at home, and we never sat and talked, so I don't know anything about him. Yet, he seems to be nice, he has a warm Salam and he always smiles."

Establishing a dialogue with your child enables you to know his/her better:

  When your son (or your daughter) talks to you, you will have an idea about his language, his way of thinking, his values, his principles, the thing which attracts his attention and the story which he likes. You will know everything about your son when he talks, which is better than ordering him all the time, and he obeys you silently. Giving him a chance to talk and express himself will draw your attention to matters which you overcame. Hence, you will not know your son unless you establish a dialogue with him through which you will be able to know the way he thinks, the way he notices things around him, the things he remembers, the way he talks and the words he uses.

 The topic of your dialogue, with him, might be a problem he is facing, so let him talk about it freely without putting any rules or conditions. Also, you can make this dialogue spontaneous in which you tackle many things moving from one issue to another smoothly, but don't tackle them randomly, lest he is distracted. A brother said to me, "I attended Khutbah once in which the Khateeb talked about 28 topics leaving them all with loose ends, and they were just thoughts and notions."

The father-son dialogue is based on listening to the son:

  If the father is not prepared for meeting with his son, things will be discussed at random, but when he gets himself prepared, he will choose certain topics to discuss with him. For instance, he can ask him about his studies; see if he is not good at particular subjects, if he needs a tutor, or if he is excellent in particular subjects. Without this meeting and dialogue, you will know nothing about your son. Hence, discuss one topic only in your meeting with your son like being always late for school in the morning and how you can solve this problem. Most of schools complain against students' tardiness, so how can you solve this problem? I am giving you rules about the dialogue in general, and this dialogue can be with your wife, your children or your friends.

 It is preferable to choose one topic for the dialogue, and let the subject of this dialogue be about a problem, suggesting solutions, discussing these solutions and finding alternatives for them. Some people wait for other people to make mistakes, but the father shouldn't be like this, otherwise the dialogue will fail. Your son might make mistakes once or twice during this dialogue, and I suggest that you overcome his mistakes even if they are about 7 or 8 mistakes and mention one of them only, but waiting for him to make mistakes, mentioning them and hushing him whenever he wants to say something (trying to justify his mistakes) will fail this dialogue. The gist of your dialogue with your son is to make him a better person not to reckon his mistakes.

Listening to the other party reflects man's prudence and good conducts:

 The Master of mankind, the beloved to the Haqq (Allah) and this great man (Muhammad, peace b upon him) was top notch listener. There are a lot of educated people who talk eloquently, but success lies in being a good listener. The Prophet, peace be upon him, used to listen with his ears and heart, though he might know what the other party is about to say:

((Aisha once told the Prophet, peace be upon him, what Um Zar' said about her husband, and she went on and on in her story saying that Um Zar' said to her, "My husband is Abu Zar' and what is Abu Zar' (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain. Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill." At the end Aishah told the Prophet, peace be upon him, that unfortunately Abu Zar' divorced Um Zar'. Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, commented by saying, "I am to you as Abu Zar' was to his wife Um Zar', but I will not divorce you".))

  Though you might be a great scientist who is highly educated, you should know that listening to other people reflects prudence, shrewdness and good conducts.

The etiquettes of the dialogue:

  Stay away from waiting for people to commit a mistake and from interrupting the party you are having dialogue with. Furthermore, be a good listener, and even if your son makes a big mistake, ask him, "What do you think of what you have done son? Do you think it is right or wrong?" The main point in our lecture is the difference between imposing orders on sh3er and discussing things with them to come up with the results with their help. This is one of the many manners in the Quran in which there is a dialogue with the other party in a way that Allah enables him to come up with the results instead of having them spoon-fed. This manner while dealing with sh3er can be applied to different people, such as your wife or your boss. Thus, train yourself to remain patient while discussing things with sh3er.

 As you are having a dialogue with someone, pay attention to the way you look at him. There are a sharp look and a gentle one, so don't stare at him and let your looks be friendly instead. You would rather keep your eyes moving right and left or up and down than staring directly at the one you are chatting with which is not courteous in a dialogue. This is what you should do while chatting to your son, so that he will feel secured in order to speak out his thoughts though you might not like them. A student may ask the teacher of religion an embarrassing question, because he has no answer to it, but the teacher gets furious and raises hell after accusing this student of Kufr. You should not treat him like that.

((Once, a young man came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, asking his permission to commit fornication. The Companions rebuked and hushed him, but the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Leave him alone. O servant of Allah, come closer." The young man did, and then the prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Do you like it for your mother?" The man said, "No", to which the Prophet, peace be upon him, commented, "Nor do people. Do you like it for your daughter?" He answered, "No", to which the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Nor do people. Do you like it for you sister?" "No", the young man replied. Then the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Nor do people. Do you like it for you aunt?" The young man answered, "No." Then the man said, "Be my witness, as I repent of fornication." In another narration he said, "I came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and fornication was the dearest thing to me, but I went out and it was the most detestable thing to me."))

 This is one way of having dialogue with other people.

Developing the children's intellect and teaching them how to be disciplined:

  If your son has a problem which has many solutions, try to help him differentiate between these solutions. You might ask him, "What do you think of the first solution? What do you think of the second solution? What do you think of the third solution? Which one is better?" Doing so will develop his reasoning and he will learn that a problem might have one solution or many ones. If it has many solutions, his mission is to study all the solutions and choose the best of them. This is also important in the dialogue.

 Wining points is a good way in making the students avoid committing mistakes. There is a list of common mistakes which the students make, like being tardy, forgetting the book at home and talking without getting the permission from the teacher….etc. The teacher can make for each student a card that contains 100 points, and these points will be added to the grade of the subjects as follows: If the student gets the full mark in mathematics and he does not misbehave or commit mistakes, he will get 20 points; 10 for getting the full mark in this subject and other 10 for committing no mistakes. This student will get more points if he keeps disciplined, but he will lose 10 points for each mistake he commits. This way of educating students will make the school and the students unbelievably disciplined. The points will be added at the end of the year, and according to how much points the student gets, he will get a gift which could be a personal computer. In such a school, the student knows that every mistake he makes is counted and he will lose points in return, and that he will gain points when he avoids errors. This way is an excellent alternative for hitting the students, getting upset with them or reporting them to their parents.

Upbringing children is a science unto itself:

  Upbringing children is a science unto itself. How lovely it is to see the parents aware of the rules of upbringing their children! When the parents follow certain rules in upbringing their children, the house will be put in order; there will be no noise, no loud voices and no chaos. Besides, everything will be done smoothly in the house. Reward your children for every good deed they do and punish them for the bad ones they do, and I am not suggesting hitting the children, but the punishment can be of a different nature. As long as you put a list of the deeds, accompanied with a list of the rewards and punishments, you will have a disciplined household. Regarding the teachers, if you give your students homework to do, follow up their performance in order to know who does it and who does not, and day by day all the students will do the homework.

 Accustom yourself to follow up sh3er' performance or behavior; and if your son promises you to do something, write it down and ask him two days later, "Did you do it?" He will say to himself, "My father never forgets." Following up is part of upbringing. Keep in mind if you forget more than once to ask him about something he promises to fulfill, he will say to himself, "My father doesn't remember anything", and so you put an end to the dialogue with your son thereof. Hence, when you make a deal with your child that he will take an improving step, you should write that down, and two days later you should follow up that. Thus, he will say to himself, "My father never forgets anything" This can help you too in dealing with your employees and everyone who gets orders from you. Unless you follow up things, your control over things will be canceled totally.

The prudent father gives his child a second chance to avoid the same mistake:

  Your punishment might be depriving your son of something he likes a lot, such as preventing him from the Friday picnic saying, "You are not going with us." In this case there is no need for any further rebuking because he is already punished as a means of disciplining him by being deprived of something he likes. You can also punish him by depriving him of his daily allowance. Thus, whenever he makes a mistake, he will pay the price for it without being shouted at or beaten. The successful father is the one who gives his son a second chance to repent of the mistakes he makes. If he repents, his mistake should be erased as if he never had done it, and so he will relaxed when he knows that his mistake has been forgiven and there will be no further punishment for it.

 Giving a second chance to repent of someone's mistake is implemented in some advanced countries where each citizen has a social record in which the mistakes he commits are recorded even if it is a traffic fine. When the mistakes are not repeated for two years, they will be automatically erased. Give your son a second chance when he says to you, "I will not repeat this mistake", and if he fulfills his promise, be to him as you use to be before that mistake. This is a crucial point, but some societies are merciless, for when someone makes a mistake he will always be reminded of that mistake. If someone commits a mistake, but he repents of it, he shouldn't be reminded of that mistake.

 The father's supplication (for his son) has a tremendous positive effect on children especially when he says, "May Allah be with you, O son", "I hope to see you a beacon in the future". On the other hand, when the father weakens his son's self-confidence daily because of his bad temper by saying, "You will never be someone important" though the son might be brilliant, the son will believe these negative words.

Sever rebuking weakens the child's self-confidence:

  Nowadays, we, as Muslims, are repeatedly accused of being terrorists in the media and all over the world, and so we start to believe such accusations and have doubts about ourselves. Similarly, rebuking your son repeatedly will weaken his self-confidence. Usually when one of my students is not that good, I give him a very easy question, and upon answering it I praise him in order to raise his self-esteem. As a result, he will start doing his homework regularly and try to keep his level up.

 Whenever your son excels in a simple thing, praise him, talk about his little success in front of his mother, brother and sisters and let him feel his success. Some fathers unintentionally destroy their children's self-confidence, because of their wrong upbringing. I would like you to praise your son whenever he does something good, and mention it many times in front of his brother, sisters and relatives, so that he will be proud of himself.

 In fact, upbringing children is an art and success. I ask the Almighty Allah to help you apply the topic of today to those you love. In fact dialogue is the foremost issue in the world. Hence, we would better establish this dialogue with our children, wife, relatives and friends.